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On Thursday, March 4, I lost the most beautiful thing in my life up to this point. The Golden Retriever you see in the pix above died that afternoon and left an immeasurable hole in my being. I frequently joked that Oak was my longest and strongest relationship because I had him in my life for 14 incredible years. I promised him, when he was a puppy who fit neatly in his water bowl, that he would die in my arms when the time came. And he did. I held onto him and held on and held on...wailing into the soft, curly reddish fur on his neck. I heard the staff muffling their sobs outside the door where I mourned so deeply for so long. They knew immediately when the x-rays developed that he was in crisis and that the prognosis was the worst possible outcome. Tuesday, I picked up his ashes from the vet and, unbeknownst to me, a paw print had been made by the funeral home. I was keeping myself together at the counter until they showed me the medallion with his print in it. Right there I came apart again and lamented the loss of my best buddy. The vet staff joined my tears once more, hugging me until I could breathe normally and helping me to my Jeep. That night was the most difficult so far. My baby dog was gone! I wanted him back. I wanted the Universe to show me that she isn't a capricious bitch who gets her jollies fucking with peoples' lives. I wanted her to give him back or fill the planet-sized hole in my heart. Just feeling the impression of his left paw in the clay was enough to push me to my physical limit. My body was wracked with pain from sobbing and lamenting and wailing for Oak. I rubbed the rough impression and held it close with his blanket and favorite stuffed bear. Some will say that he was just a dog, and that's true, but he was MY dog who started off as my little red fur ball, and MY companion who protected me in several dangerous situations, who looked for ME in crowds, who walked next to ME proudly as part of his pack, and who responded to MY voice and whistle. He licked MY tears and MY nose to comfort me while I cried over him at the vet until he succumbed and fell asleep and slipped away...forever. He was greater than just a dog and far greater than just my dog. He understood reams more than I ever expected an animal to grasp. He could spell and "talk," understanding a 100+ word vocabulary. In his younger days he could climb up and slide down a playground slide, waiting his turn in line with the neighborhood kids. He would tackle them in football and steal the ball superbly in soccer, learning the games after just a few minutes of watching from the sidelines. I can only hope that everyone has the opportunity to experience "just a dog" like Oak. And I wish I had another 14 years of him to enjoy, but I wouldn't trade the first 14 for anything. He truly did give unconditionally, he really did act the fool because he loved to hear laughter, and he really did understand the concept of family. And I am heartbroken that he is gone. I wish this depth of love for everyone. It really is better to have loved profoundly and experienced great loss than never to have loved at all, despite the pain and tears. I will be a better human and a better man because of that goofy fur ball. And I will treasure him and my time with him always. I'll see you soon, Oak, and I'll have Bear and T-R-E-A-T-S with me. (His ears just went up, his sparkling gaze is fixed on my face, and that tail is wagging a mile a minute.) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Welcome to 2010 Guys! Now we can shower the grime that was the Bush Years off of us and look forward to a whole new world out there! A bright and shiny place where stupidity, graft, nepotism, warmongering, and Fundamentalist Christian ideology doesn't reign and propagate freely from the highest office in the country, traveling downward in sooty torrents to the to the believers who would willingly rewrite history to suit themselves and onto those who feel sullied and stained by the ineptitude and ego-centrism of the man, the past decade, and those who would emulate him. On to greater things in 2010 where equal is not just a sweetener! Where we have a right to access the same insurance coverage we give our congresspeople. Where people who start wars for no reason, lose billions of other people's money, and who send jobs overseas should be penalized, not rewarded. Where veterans don't have to live in boxes under the interstates and kids don't have to fear being shot on the way to school. Where the school they go to is staffed with qualified people and brimming with books, equipment, and supplies. Where NASA's budget to explore space is considered a stimulating and worthwhile investment in the future and not a diversion from the military's budget because it needs more war machines. Where our people in the combat theaters around the world get to come HOME rapidly, with our arms open wide, with dignity, and to a government that promises to reward their extraordinary efforts and not brush them aside like the used up pawns they were becoming in the former administration. Where we take care of our own backyards and do our own little part knowing that one good thing, one door held open for someone else, one month of aluminum recycled, one heartfelt thank you, one jumpstart for a stranded motorist on a cold winter morning, one piece of garbage picked up and disposed of properly, one seat offered to someone who needs it could change the world. It's worth a try at least, right? This year will be better. It will still have its fair share of setbacks and stumbles and heartaches, but 2010 will be different because we want it to be so and because we have a leader who wants it to be that way too. While I don't always agree with what is coming from the Oval Office, I would definitely want to have a beer there now without feeling grimy at all and like i needed a shower when I left it. Here's to making it better in 2010 one step, one minute, one person at a time! Not in to camming or chatting on MSN or Yahoo or any other platform guys, sorry. Have had to deal with stalkers, guns, the police, the FBI, restraining orders.... If I don't respond to a message, please don't take offense - so many messages, so little time and space! Read the LAST entry in the list FIRST. Changes the entire perspective. Ideal Man: [1.] Wants a Christmas tree every year. [2.] Has or loves dogs, especially mine. [3.] Needs a sling in his life. [4.] Avoids drugs 99% of the time. [5.] Has a job that he attends roughly 40 hours per week. [6.] Has perfect hands and feet and doesn’t know it. [7.] Has an active fantasy life and can manage to bring fantasy to reality successfully. [8.] Sees me as a vulnerable man and a child-like god. [9.] Espouses a personal brand of spirituality. [10.] Can access his emotions freely. [11.] Can communicate effectively. [12.] Can accept responsibility for his mistakes with minimal drama and maximum sincerity. [13.] Is honored and awed by our relationship. [14.] Is just as willing to hold hands and cuddle, as he is to swing from the chandeliers, naked and bound. [15.] Is fiscally responsible. [16.] Can cry. [17.] Is both sinner and saint. [18.] Clips coupons. [19.] Isn’t afraid of dirt, motor oil, blood, or grass stains. [20.] Reads labels. [21.] Likes to go out as much as "creating an evening" and staying in. [22.] Has minimal neuroses, psychoses, and stupidoses. [23.] Loves to cook. [24.] Can empathize with my HIV status and the vicissitudes that the disease brings with it. [25.] Is muscular but not overdone. [26.] Has light eyes and dark hair. [27.] Is totally versatile. [28.] Sports a medium-sized dick, and knows how to use it to its fullest advantage. [29.] Has bull balls. [30.] Understands the difference between your and you’re; there, their, and they’re; and its and it’s. [31.] Speaks French so we can converse together in our own "private" language. [32.] Smiles beautifully, broadly, and often. [33.] Laughs frequently, especially at my dry sense of humor. [34.] Owns and rides a bike regularly. [35.] Has a well-used gym membership. [36.] Hates clowns too because they’re creepy. [37.] Thinks chateaubriand and scrambled eggs and ketchup both have their time and place in the culinary experience. [38.] Thinks bottled water is a waste and a racket. [39.] Would want a big house only to fill it with visiting friends. [40.] Would want a large professional kitchen only for us to cook for those friends. [41.] Would pay top dollar for a reliable car, not a trendy car. [42.] Has two eyebrows. [43.] Looks at an expensive antique four-poster bed and immediately thinks "I could tie him to that!" [44.] Knows which end of the hammer is the business end and isn’t afraid to use it. [45.] Suggests that we take night classes together and then comes home with the course catalog so we can choose. [46.] Spoons automatically with me when he crawls into bed. [47.] Infuriates me by taking a bite out of every chocolate in the box and then surprises me with my own box. [48.] Is also a coffee fiend and aficionado, appreciating the fact that the most important life events happen over coffee. [49.] Reads to me while we’re driving. [50.] Holds my hand when we’re, well…everywhere. [51.] Knows the difference between smelling like a man and polluting the atmosphere. [52.] Feels the same way about clothes that I do: they’re extraneous. [53.] Loves kids and wants several of our own someday. [54.] Hopes for the best and plans for the worst. [55.] Takes the reins with conviction. [56.] Hands them over with complete trust. [57.] Would bathe me daily if I were incapacitated. [58.] Would bathe me daily even if I weren’t, but reserves that for special occasions. [59.] Collects but doesn’t hoard, being more than willing to release and return things to the Universal Library. [60.] Would only want to win the lottery to be able to help his friends and family. [61.] Respects waiters and servers. [62.] Understands the difference between righteous anger and throwing a tantrum. [63.] Is judicious with his time, talent, energy, money, and spirituality. [64.] Understands the importance of balance in all things. [65.] Spends time working on himself and growing as an individual. [66.] Creates and delights in his own sacred space and time. [67.] Fosters his own hobbies, friends, and opinions. [68.] Would never eat the last piece of anything before offering it to others first. [69.] Would never leave without saying goodbye, whether that was a kiss, a hug, or a handshake. [70.] Can whistle and wants to teach me. [71.] Is proud of our relationship and comfortable with our sexuality. [72.] Is forever hearing "You’re GAY??" [73.] Doesn’t smoke, but can appreciate the fine aroma of a primo Cuban cigar. [74.] Clips fingernails, toenails, and nose hairs regularly. [75.] Loves to travel. [76.] Loves coming home. [77.] Appreciates the power of silence and feels no need to fill it. [78.] Surprises me with his creativity. [79.] Trusts his intuition and instincts as much as he trusts his own experience. [80.] Can change his oil, his fuses, and his mind. [81.] Makes my toes curl in bed without even trying, and makes me talk to God when he is trying. [82.] Would rather buy a "fixer-upper" and fix it up with me than move into something new. [83.] Looks behind himself when walking through a door to make sure that it doesn’t close on someone behind him. [84.] Can say "You’re full of shit" so sweetly and diplomatically that I want to thank him for pointing that out. [85.] Has men and women going out of their way to tell me how adorable he is. [86.] Doesn’t go to the window first in a hotel room to check the view (as 90% of travelers do), he goes to my zipper first because hotels make us both horny as hell. [87.] Sees gray hair as a sign of maturity, not something that must be dreaded and dyed. [88.] Is equally comfortable in jeans and T-shirts or a tuxedo, but prefers to be naked. [89.] Flirts shamelessly making sure that I’m the recipient of the lion’s share of his trysts. [90.] Takes his meds, including antidepressants, regularly. [91.] Considers therapy a necessary part of the routine emotional tune-up process. [92.] Has a child-like curiosity and enthusiasm. [93.] Would take a bullet for me. [94.] Wouldn’t want flowers at his funeral, or wedding for that matter, preferring that that money go toward good food, drinks, and entertainment to celebrate the occasion. [95.] Would be such a revered soul that there would be standing room only at his funeral and wedding. [96.] Sees life as an active pursuit, full of active verbs, and a few passive naps. [97.] Would approach things with an adventurous spirit and make palatable those things that he may not like, but knows I do, by adding things he prefers to the mix. (For example, he would zip two sleeping bags together to make one big one for us to spoon in, bring a BBQ pit, boom box with tunes, candles, S’Mores fixins, etc.) [98.] Sees computers and TVs as distractions and entertainment, but not as replacements or surrogates for friendships or relationships. [99.] Is prompt and on time, respecting other people’s schedules. [100.] Knows that I’d be doing all of these things and more for him and us too. | |||||||||||||||||||
