I was in chat this evening with someone, apparently from my past. Although his tone seemed non-hostile, he was filled with judgement, and apparently knowing me "so well" questioned my integrity. At first, I was angry. I mean really, is that all we have to do in life is think about what was never to be, then lash out and criticize those who didn't give us our own way?
I find it so sad that many gay men as they age become more and more bitter about life, the community, and about failed relationships (even if they had wedding plans spinning in their heads after one lack-lustre hook-up).
We make a choice in life: to move on, forge ahead, and be hopeful about tomorrow (I somethimes call this "deluded optimism when I'm down) or we can choose to be a negative cunt. The key word here is choice -- it requires as much effort to be a cynical prick as it does "a nice guy."
This past fall, I happened across an incredible man in Las Vegas, while on holidays. Without a doubt, it was the most fulfilling connection I have felt with a man in years -- and here's the thing -- it wasn't all about the sex.
I truly enjoyed being in this man's company. He was as much a gentleman and a kind soul as he was an aggressive top. His personality, his smile, his stories about family and dear life-long friends made him even more interesting to me. I truly hope that I have the opportunity to get to know him more in the months and years to come.
Meeting him, and reflecting upon the short amount of time I was with him, washed away all the pain, the ridicule, the stood-up dates and the morons with anger management problems.
... and all I had to do was think of our experience, and the events of this evening seemed very, very insignificant.
A very special Christmas to all those deluded optimists out there ... and thank you to Matt for many more new memories to discover.
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Update Summer 2013
We have all heard the term "damaged goods" and at times really bad break-ups have made us feel as such -- feeling broken, defeated, and wondering if we will ever love again.
For those that are doubtful, mistrustful, suspicious and insulating themselves from the next big hurt, I strongly encourage you to look up Brene Brown on You Tube, specifically her TED conference speech about vulnerability.
This is one smart woman, who has taken 10+ years to unravel one of the great mysteries in life.
Be good to one another.
Update Jan 2013
A good friend who really struggled in 2012 with a crumbling marriage shared some pearls of wisdom from her counsellor that men are divided into 2 camps: "narcissistic pricks" or "nice guys." Her problem, of course, was she gravitated to a narcissistic prick, then wondered why she was treated like shit in the relationship.
When we lose hope about finding love, that's exactly the same moment we lower our expectations and comprimise our principles to the point where one feels empty inside ... A narcissistic prick preys on vulnerability, and will use you for their temporary pleasure. A "nice guy" will want to discover what makes you tick, and what really pushes your buttons -- and their desire to be around you won't be measured in minutes, or hours.
So to all you beautiful buff handsome men ... you'll need to be a "nice guy" to win me over. Life is too short to spend time with someone who will only ever be into themselves : )
Fall 2012 ... and the adventure continues.
On September 24th, I will begin a smokin' new job, and I have a lot to be thankful for.
It comes down to this: how you treat people factors hugely into your own personal happiness. If I was an information with-holding back-stabbing prick at work, I would not have the professional relationships that I have today, nor would any of my former colleagues been willing to help me with my job search, provide me with interesting job leads, help me re-write my resume, provide glowing references, and so on.
I'm very blessed to have the people in my life that I call a friend ... and I'm still hopeful about finding a partner. I know he's out there, somewhere.
Be good to one another.
For those that have asked and asked for new pictures, finally a couple of new ones taken from various smartphones.
If anyone in the Calgary, AB area is interested in taking more body shots / nudes of me with a digital SLR camera (or use mine) please let me know.
For those of you who had my private password, I no longer have any private pics -- but once some cock shots etc. are taken, you will still have access. Cheers.
What a fantastic 2011 !!!
I finally got quarter, and bought a clue to better manage my health. I started exercising in March 2011, staring down the reality that I was on the verge of needing size 42" waist pants.
I found a fantastic health coach in May. I started a nutrition program in June. In late July, I had my annual physical and absolutely blew my doctor away with the results.
Now, almost a year later, I'm about to turn 50. So what's changed?
Well, I'm on the verge of fitting into size 34" pants after losing 35 pounds -- I can't remember how long ago that was !!! First year university?
I can run 10km in an hour, and not die. I couldn't do that in high school !!!
I have reduced my diabetic medications, and, very shortly, will be asking my doctor to reduce them again.
I'm hornier than a teenager.
I look down at my legs and butt in the shower -- and can't believe how beautiful they look -- this from someone who never liked the look of their body.
My confidence has soared -- and I frame every goal with when or yet ... not if.
To those that think you can't get healthy -- you'll never lose weight or feel good again -- take it from a 50 year old formerly sedintary lethargic "don't give a shit about myself" diabetic -- YOU CAN DO IT!
It starts with believing in yourself, and making small progressive changes in your life. Wellness is a holistic approach: you need to eat well, exercise, rest and if necessary, correct and adjust (i.e. deep tissue massage / accupuncture / chiropractic care) if you suffer from chronic pain.
1 year ago, I never would have believed that I would be downhill skiing on my 50th birthday. I was so tired, and unfit I wouldn't have lasted 2 hours on the hill, let alone 2 days. It IS possible!
Oh one last thing: if I IM or pay you a compliment in a message, I promise not to stalk you to the alter. A simple "thank you" goes a long way. Remember: smokin' hot and ignorant or filled with attitude is NOT a sexy combination.
We are here for such a short time. Be good to one another.
Now ... back to my old profile : ) Pics will be updated soon !!!
An acquaintance suggested that I look at my profiles on-line, and better project what it is that I want.
Hmm. What do I want? At times, I want to be the wide-eyed bottom in chaps, legs in staps, in a sling with 4 tops surrounding me, taking turns. There is a bit of fear in my eyes, but I'm loving what's going on ...
At times, I want want to find a man that demonstrates passion while kissing.
At times, I just want someone to rub my back, to tickle my feet or bite my ear.
At times I just want someone to say "that was an incredible dinner, let me clean up."
I think all of us have a basic yearning to be loved, and to love. The jaded think "I don't need anyone" but after you have slept alone for too many years deep down a lot of us just want someone to hold -- to make that emotional connection with someone, that many men don't want to even talk about.
... and sometimes, we just wanna be a sex pig, go tribal on our partner, and let all of our sexual energy loose.
So what do I want? Good sex. Long, loosen the bolts on the bed frame gyrating sex. Just when you think it can't possibly get any better, you're going at it again kinda sex. Obviously, that is the lust component.
I want a guy with a sense of family, duty, respect. Someone with a grain of ambition and a decent head screwed on his shoulders. You don't have to be a rocket scientist, just be willing to put in a decent day's work. I have no issues sharing, but I'm not looking for gold diggers either.
I don't do bars and clubs. Responsible drinker. Don't smoke, or do drugs. Well established and comfortably settled. Willing to date with the pants on, or off ; ).
Good food -- home cooking or fine dining
A fragrent red wine
A long walk
More of a dog guy, but love all animals
Learning something new
Touch ... I love to be touched
A dictionary to spell spontanaity ; P
Men in rollerblades (not sure why, but it is SUCH a turn on)
A partner with a sense of adventure
A good sense of humor
Uncleanliness, particularly about one's own body
Gossip ... I believe if you talk about someone behind their back it should only be about their good qualities ... let THAT get back to them
The "life owes me" attitude -- it is what you make of it
Bitchiness and negativity -- life is way too short to bitch and moan and complain about everyone and everything
Emotionally closed off men -- afraid to freely express emotion through the spoken word or touch
Lack of empthay towards others
Degradation -- as much as I love being fucked, I'm not your pussy boy / your man whore / bitch yadda yadda -- and would prefer not to be spit on
Hopefully you have a better sense of me, and what I'm all about.